SOMEWHERE a colony of midges is holding a meeting.

They are recounting their summer victories in the Scottish Highlands. One midge boasts that filming of a BBC programme was brought to a halt when he and his mates swarmed over the camera operator and the presenter.

The latter was clad in one of yon netted helmet affairs sold to keep the little darlings at bay. Personally I assume it merely attracts them. The midge likes a challenge.

Another recounts how he orchestrated the complete lockdown of a major campsite as the owners of all those motorhomes we so love to meet on the A9 scrambled back into their vehicles and battened down every available hatch.

READ MORE: Teaching old dogs new tricks is quite a challenge

A third chips in that nobody has had an outdoor picnic on his patch for the last month, and confirms that none of the heavy duty anti-midge sprays and potions have deterred his doughty troops.

But the gold medallist was having none of these small time victory speeches. He had the 2020 championship all sewn up, he told his fellow tormentors.

While they were faffing about with tourists and telly folk he had seen off much bigger prey. He and a dedicated band of brothers had dispatched the Prime Minister of the UK.

Fatally the latter had thought to leave his luxury cottage and have a go at camping in an adjacent tent.

READ MORE: Amid all the uncertainty, we should have time to enjoy what we have

That was all the invitation they had needed, not least since they’d spotted that the PM’s affianced was cutting about in short shorts and unclad legs.

Now whatever you think of midges they have absolutely no history of political allegiance. They will terrorise anyone of any persuasion – visiting blood is visiting blood.

So don’t believe any other version. There was no chance of madding claymore brandishing hordes chasing your man back south. And the so-called paparazzi was one chap I know from way back, in Inverness, who snapped the family on behalf of the Mail on Sunday, one of whose pics found its way into the daily variety a couple of days before. Number 10 claimed the identification of the location was dangerous. Nah. Was the midges. Nobody does it better.

Read more news and views from across Helensburgh and Lomond by clicking here