There are a number of phrases it’s way past time were expunged from the English language. And, of course, they rarely indicate what the user actually means.

LESSONS HAVE BEEN LEARNED (We’ll make jolly sure not to get found out the next time).

YOUR CALL IS VERY IMPORTANT TO US. (But not important enough to hire adequate numbers of people to answer it.)

WE ARE EXPERIENCING A HIGHER THAN NORMAL LEVEL OF CALLS. (No we’re not. How likely is that 90 seconds after the lines open?)

THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE. ONE OF OUR OPERATIVES WILL BE WITH YOU SHORTLY. (If there is an R in the month and you can bear to listen to very bad music for another 40 minutes or so.)

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STEPS HAVE BEEN TAKEN TO ENSURE THE GUILTY PARTY WILL NO LONGER BE EMPLOYED HERE. (Deputy heads have rolled. Or alternatively folks far enough down the food chain for them not to matter.)

THIS COMPANY IS WHOLLY COMMITTED TO FAIRNESS AND EQUITY IN THE WORKPLACE. (Lookee here, it says so in our mission statement, downloaded just last year by someone or other.)

YOUR CHEQUE IS IN THE POST. (Thank heavens it has no chance of being delivered before we locate the invoice in question).

MY DOG IS NOMALLY VERY FRIENDLY; I CAN’T IMAGINE WHY HE BIT YOUR LEG. (Damn, I left the muzzle on the kitchen table again.)

I’M TELLING YOU THIS IN COMPLETE CONFIDENCE. (secure in the knowledge that you’ll have phoned everyone we both know before teatime.)

OUR MANAGER ENJOYS THE FULL CONFIDENCE OF THE CHAIR AND THE BOARD. (And he can pick up his P45 any time after ten tomorrow morning.)

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PLEASE DON’T USE THE HEALTH ACCIDENT AND EMERGENCY SERVICES UNLESS YOU HAVE AN AXE IN YOUR HEAD. (NHS 111 will be happy to advise, probably before the bleeding stops.)

CUSTOMER SAFETY IS OUR TOP PRIORITY (After protecting our bottom line, and ensuring the shareholders get a fat enough bung.)

I DON’T BLAME THE TEAM, THEY COULDN’T HAVE GIVEN ME MORE EFFORT. (Or been more totally useless in front of goal.)

TRUST ME, I’M A JOURNALIST. (Aye right!)